Archive for category Humour

Do we have a left-wing Media?

Put it this way, look at the following and imagine the outcry if the Tories published this as a poster?

Ed Miliband Oy Vey

A reconstruction of an official Labour poster shown below

Should any Labour supporter stumble upon my blog (Heaven Forbid, for their sake) there is a precedent for this which was started by the socialists.

And if any Jew is upset by this, I sincerely apologise, but I am making a point and the point has nothing to do with your religion. It will become clear further below.

The last and, I think, the only Jewish leader of a political party was Michael Howard of whom, Anne Widdecombe said “there is something of the night about him“. Some people think Disraeli was a Jewish leader and Prime Minister but this is not true, he was a Christian, having converted at around the age of thirteen.

Anyway, here is the original socialist poster which was not commented upon by the left-wing media.

Michael Howard Oy Vey

The original official Labour poster.

Exercise for today:

If the first poster of Ed Millipede was published by the Tory Party, what sort of reaction would we expect to see by the media, especially the BBC?

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This immigrant will be welcome in Britain

A reason for introducing publicly elected Sheriffs

I first received this email in a jokes section and didn’t believe a word of it, so I researched on the ‘net and found it all to be true. First the story I received, then the results of my checking the web. How I would like him as our Inspector of Prisons!

USA Jail – Some interesting reading.

To those of you not familiar with Joe Arpio, he is the Maricopa Country sheriff (Arizona) and he keeps getting re-elected over and over again.

These are some of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the ‘tent city jail’ to save Arizona from spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison  complex.

He has jail meals down to 15 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but ‘PG’ movies. He says:  ‘They’re in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave.’

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer’s money.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn’t get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel,he replied: ‘So these morons will know how hot it’s gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.’

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, ‘This isn’t  the Ritz/Carlton. If you don’t like it, don’t come back.’

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in  a barbedwire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On the Wednesday, hundreds of men  wearing pink boxer shorts were overheardchatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees.

‘This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,’ said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. ‘It’s inhumane.’

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. ‘Criminals should be punished for their crimes – not live in luxury until it’s time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things  many taxpayers can’t afford to have for themselves.’

The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: ‘It’s between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!’

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

So I did a little research on the Internet and came up with the following information. This sheriff has been elected for five consecutive four year terms, read on…

You probably know him as “America’s Toughest Sheriff,” a name given to him years ago by the media. It’s a name he certainly has earned as head of the nation’s third largest Sheriff’s Office which employs over 3000 people. But even before he became Sheriff in 1993, Joe Arpaio was one tough lawman. After serving in the U.S. Army from 1950 to 1953, and as a Washington, D.C., and Las Vegas, NV, police officer for almost five years, Arpaio went on to build a federal law enforcement career and a reputation for fighting crime and drug trafficking around the world.

He began his career as a federal narcotics agent, establishing a stellar record in infiltrating drug organizations from Turkey to the Middle East to Mexico, Central, and South America to cities around the U.S. His expertise and success led him to top management positions around the world with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). He concluded his remarkable 32-year federal career as head of the DEA for Arizona.

In 1992 Arpaio successfully campaigned to become the Sheriff of Maricopa County. Since then he has been reelected to an unprecedented five 4-year terms. During his tenure as Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arpaio has consistently earned extraordinarily high public approval ratings.

With over four decades experience in law enforcement, Arpaio knows what the public wants, “The public is my boss,” he says, “so I serve the public.” He has served them well by establishing several unique programs.

Arpaio has over 10,000 inmates in his jail system. In August, 1993, he started the nation’s largest Tent City for convicted inmates. Two thousand convicted men and women serve their sentences in a canvas incarceration compound. It is a remarkable success story that has attracted the attention of government officials, presidential candidates, and media worldwide.

Of equal success and notoriety are his chain gangs, which contribute thousands of dollars of free labor to the community. The male chain gang, and the world’s first-ever female and juvenile chain gangs, clean streets, paint over graffiti, and bury the indigent in the county cemetery.

Also impressive are the Sheriff’s get tough policies. For example, he banned smoking, coffee, movies, pornographic magazines, and unrestricted TV in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the U.S. too. The average meal costs about 15 cents, and inmates are fed only twice daily, to cut the labor costs of meal delivery. He even stopped serving them salt and pepper to save tax payers $20,000 a year.

Another program Arpaio is very wellknown for is the pink under shorts he makes all inmates wear. Years ago, when the Sheriff learned that inmates were stealing jailhouse white boxers, Arpaio had all inmate underwear dyed pink for better inventory control. The same is true for the Sheriff’s handcuffs. When they started disappearing, he ordered pink handcuffs as a replacement. And later, when the Sheriff learned the calming, psychological effects of the color pink—sheets, towels, socks— everything inmates wear, except for the old-fashioned black and white striped uniform, were dyed pink.

Arpaio has started another controversial program, the website www.mcso.org, so that all those arrested (about 300 per day) are recorded on the Sheriff’s website as they are booked and processed into jail. Just under a million hits daily come into the website, making it one of the most visible law enforcement sites on the World Wide Web.

In addition to these tough measures, the Sheriff has launched rehabilitative programs like “Hard Knocks High,” the only accredited high school under a Sheriff in an American jail, and ALPHA, an anti-substance-abuse program that has greatly reduced recidivism.

As chief law enforcement officer for the county, Arpaio continues to reduce crime with hard-hitting enforcement methods. His deputies and detectives have solved several high-profile murder cases, including nine child murders. The posse, whose ranks have increased to 3,000 members under Arpaio, is the nation’s largest volunteer posse. Posse men and women help in search and rescue and other traditional police work as well as in special operations like rounding up deadbeat parents, fighting prostitution, patrolling malls during holidays, and investigating animal cruelty complaints. The posse’s contributions are invaluable and essentially free to taxpayers.

No wonder Sheriff Arpaio has been profiled in over 2,000 U.S. and foreign newspapers, magazines, and TV news programs. His leadership and the excellent work of his staff have catapulted the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office into the ranks of elite law enforcement agencies.

On a personal note, Sheriff Arpaio and his wife Ava have been married for over 51 years and have two children, both residing in the Phoenix area. The Arpaios have four grandchildren.

Arpaio looks forward to many more years as Sheriff of Maricopa County.

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Homo-sapien!

Here is something being sent around for the umpteenth time as a joke, although it is part fact and part fiction. A full explanation can be found here, on Snopes.

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew,
homosexuality is for her an abomination according to Leviticus 18: 22, and cannot be
condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, penned by a US resident, which was
posted on the internet.  It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law.  I have learned a
great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle for example, I simply remind them
that Leviticus 18: 22 clearly states it to be abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and
how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25: 44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they
are purchased from neighboring heathens.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to
Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7.  In this
day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev. 15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev. 1: 5-9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the
odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35: 2 clearly states
he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask
the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11: 10-11, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don’t
agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21: 17-20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a blemish in
my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19: 27.  How should
they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but
may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19: 19 by planting two different crops in the
same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread
(cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev. 24: 10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal, imperative and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia

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Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end…

If you are reading this and were born in the 1930’s 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s this will bring back some lovely memories which children born later have probably never known, the poor souls.

First, we survived being born to mothers who drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle…

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on the weekends, somehow we didn’t starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because… We were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd  films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms… we had friends and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Rugby and Cricket had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on merit!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

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Russel Crowe & Robin Hood

This whole hoohah about where Robin Hood came from is a load of codswallop.

Those of us in the know can tell you he was a fully fledged albino Zulu warrior!

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Joke of the week

Now and again, when I hear of a good joke, I like to share it with my readers.

Here is one such joke.

A Labour Minister “Chris Graham” has written to Google complaining that they aren’t looking after their customers private data securely enough!

When I read this I just collapsed in laughter. My wife came in and slapped my face as she thought I was in hysterics. I was.

Mind you, I did wonder if she had a hidden agenda! 😉

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Joanna Lumley: boiling over but still in control

Joanna Lumley has a forthright opinion on everything from TV to politics but prepare to be won over, writes Michael Deacon.

By Michael Deacon
Daily Telegraph
Published: 11:13PM BST 09 Apr 2010

Joanna Lumley on one of her many trips to Westminster during the Gurkhas campaign. Despite her success in the political world, she has no desire to be an MP .

Joanna Lumley on one of her many trips to Westminster during the Gurkhas campaign. Despite her success in the political world, she has no desire to be an MP . Photo: EDDIE MULHOLLAND

‘I think our politicians should be paid top dollar, and be absolutely scorchingly good,” says Joanna Lumley, in that unmistakably Lumley-ish way of hers, bursting with the zest of a Famous Five adventure.

“The fact that heads of TV stations get eight times more than the Prime Minister — I don’t know if that’s right. I think politicians should be the boiling people, because they represent us.

Boiling is an adjective she uses in a lot of different senses – in recent interviews she has applied it to children who watch The X Factor, the young Martin Amis and the war in Darfur – but here she means she wants MPs who are robust, dynamic, furiously bright. Well, MPs will need to be all those things, if they are ever again confronted by a rampaging Lumley.

Meeting at the offices of ITV in central London, we are here to discuss the former Absolutely Fabulous star’s new travel series, Joanna Lumley’s Nile (which starts on Monday), but talk inevitably moves on to other subjects.

Shortly before our interview, Kevan Jones, the Defence Minister, criticised Lumley for what he called her “deathly silence” since the success of her campaign a year ago to give more Gurkha veterans the right to settle in Britain. “I don’t know what he was talking about,” says Lumley. “He was speaking with parliamentary privilege, which apparently means you can say whatever you like and nobody can get back at you.”

Read the rest of the article in the Daily Telegraph here.

The article ends with:

“There’s a danger with these platforms I get put on, where one’s quoted [in the press],” she says. “I haven’t really earned this position in society to be able to yap on.” She flashes a wicked smile. “But yap on I do.”

Isn’t that so true of most celebrities?

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